It’s been awhile since I posted again. I know. I said I would try to be better, but I also said I have to be happy to blog. Believe me, you don’t want to be anywhere near the inside of my head when depression hits.
But today I am going to blog anyway.
Facebook has totally censored me again and I have NO ONE to talk to or listen to. If you recall we are about 4 hours from the nearest town, I have no friends here or neighbors to speak of, no phone service and now I am completely housebound with chronic pain.
I will come clean and share things no one actually knows about me. Or at least some of it.
I am an extreme introvert. I have zero self esteem. I am, to my detriment, an empath. I am unable to stand up for myself because it pains me to think about hurting someone else. Words cannot be unsaid. Actions cannot be undone. Sorry’s don’t heal you.
I thrived when I was in my element, training horses and kids. But being forced to give up my only real home, which also had my barns, arenas, etc. along with health issues took that away from me. Knowing I will never have a home again hurts a lot. The home I had was my dream home.
I don’t make friends easily. I am terrified of people and their rejection. I have lived with rejection from a parent, older siblings, a husband, a son & daughter in law, and a host of other people and that pain lives in me daily.
I have 2 sons. One does love me, the other could care less if I am dead or alive. At least that is my understanding as he hasn’t actually spoken with me in over a decade in spite of my many efforts.
My stepdaughters never much liked me and were always pretty demonstrative about it until the past few years where the relationship at least SEEMs to be better, to me..
I am lonely as hell with no hope of my circumstances ever changing.
Coming to know Christ was a big help to me 22 years ago, but since we moved here in 2007, there is no church, no bible study, no fellowship, for obvious reasons, so even that resource is gone to me. Oh, I pray but I don’t feel much relief from the agonizing loneliness.
So, I’ve been feeling pretty hopeless.
They are going to destroy the nerves in my lower back, finally, to give me some pain relief. Then we move on to seeing what they can do about my hip. My disease hasn’t given me much of a break. I’ve had both knees replaced and multiple other surgeries and have yet to have a period of time where I can actually make progress in gaining strength and gaining back the ability to do even the simplest of things I used to be able to do, but lost those abilities because of pain and weakness. Pisses me off no end.
I foolishly keep hoping because it’s what keeps me alive. That, my two biological granddaughters, their dad, and my honorary daughter/son/3 grands who shower us with love and acceptance. I’m walking a tightrope but they keep me tethered.
So, now you know why I don’t blog regularly or when I am not happy!
Best to you all,
Thanks for your time.
May God bless you richly.
Oh, dearest Petey - I wish I could be there to give you a big hug. You are suffering in so many ways and depression can be so debilitating. It is okay to be an introvert but to bear the weight of being an empath, too, has to be so heavy at times. Add in chronic illness and you have so many reasons to feel very down. And I imagine the changes in barometric pressure with all the storms that have been passing through affects you, too. Please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself all the love and kindness you share with your sweet grands. You are in the perfect storm of emotions and it will get better.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are going to have nerve ablation in the region of your lumbar spine. My husband had that a number of years ago. It sounds scarier than it really is.
Thank you so much and God bless you!
DeleteHi, Petey - Just checking in to see how you are doing and to let you know I care! Hope today was the start of a good week for you!
ReplyDeleteThanks! Bless you. Waiting on back procedure next week. Maybe some relief will help. Been pretty much bedbound for weeks since returning from seeing my kids
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you are going through this. As a fellow Oregonian who is currently on the west side but knows how isolating ranch life on the east side can be, coupled with depression and chronic pain, my heart goes out to you. I hope surgery brings you some relief and allows you to get back to some activities that bring you joy.
ReplyDeleteThank you for understanding, and for the good wishes!
DeleteHey, Petey. It is just me checking in again. So how did your procedure go? I hope you are up and about now. If not, it all takes time. My husband had a triple level lumbar fusion the first part of July so we know all about slow, slow recovery here. He was just in to a pain management doctor in Bend last week to get a spinal injection for nerve pain in his leg and foot. You just have to keep going back and trying all the help you can get!!! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeletesorry to be so long getting back to you, but thanks so very much for caring!!!
DeleteIt took forever to get things done but I believe the back treatment was successful Unfortunately, as soon as I had some relief, my hips became so painful, the pain began wrapping around my back as well. They have scheduled a replacement for my left hip in Decemberl Hopefully the right hip will last a little while longer.
This makes me so sad to read. I love you and dad very much. I wish very much that we were in a place where we could come visit as well 1 income in california is tough hopefully we can get out of this state soon. While it's true as a kid we had our ups and downs. I was a child that didn't trust anyone and looking back I think that is fair considering everything I went through while not living with you guys. I have to say I'm glad that our relationship is getting better. And I am truly sorry that you felt I hated you. I honestly think I hated everyone including myself because of everything in the past somehow being blamed on me by others. I love you. Big hugs. Keep the hope.
ReplyDelete