It’s been awhile since I posted again. I know. I said I would try to be better, but I also said I have to be happy to blog. Believe me, you don’t want to be anywhere near the inside of my head when depression hits.
But today I am going to blog anyway.
Facebook has totally censored me again and I have NO ONE to talk to or listen to. If you recall we are about 4 hours from the nearest town, I have no friends here or neighbors to speak of, no phone service and now I am completely housebound with chronic pain.
I will come clean and share things no one actually knows about me. Or at least some of it.
I am an extreme introvert. I have zero self esteem. I am, to my detriment, an empath. I am unable to stand up for myself because it pains me to think about hurting someone else. Words cannot be unsaid. Actions cannot be undone. Sorry’s don’t heal you.
I thrived when I was in my element, training horses and kids. But being forced to give up my only real home, which also had my barns, arenas, etc. along with health issues took that away from me. Knowing I will never have a home again hurts a lot. The home I had was my dream home.
I don’t make friends easily. I am terrified of people and their rejection. I have lived with rejection from a parent, older siblings, a husband, a son & daughter in law, and a host of other people and that pain lives in me daily.
I have 2 sons. One does love me, the other could care less if I am dead or alive. At least that is my understanding as he hasn’t actually spoken with me in over a decade in spite of my many efforts.
My stepdaughters never much liked me and were always pretty demonstrative about it until the past few years where the relationship at least SEEMs to be better, to me..
I am lonely as hell with no hope of my circumstances ever changing.
Coming to know Christ was a big help to me 22 years ago, but since we moved here in 2007, there is no church, no bible study, no fellowship, for obvious reasons, so even that resource is gone to me. Oh, I pray but I don’t feel much relief from the agonizing loneliness.
So, I’ve been feeling pretty hopeless.
They are going to destroy the nerves in my lower back, finally, to give me some pain relief. Then we move on to seeing what they can do about my hip. My disease hasn’t given me much of a break. I’ve had both knees replaced and multiple other surgeries and have yet to have a period of time where I can actually make progress in gaining strength and gaining back the ability to do even the simplest of things I used to be able to do, but lost those abilities because of pain and weakness. Pisses me off no end.
I foolishly keep hoping because it’s what keeps me alive. That, my two biological granddaughters, their dad, and my honorary daughter/son/3 grands who shower us with love and acceptance. I’m walking a tightrope but they keep me tethered.
So, now you know why I don’t blog regularly or when I am not happy!
Best to you all,
Thanks for your time.
May God bless you richly.
